The Ball of Ballynoor

Traditional? I'm not certain.  
We all went down to Ballynoor,
There was a great big ball,
There also was a wedding,
But that ain't telling all.
 
At the ball, the ball of Ballynoor,
Where your wife and my wife
were do'in it on the floor
Singing "Balls to your partner,
Ass against the wall,
If you cannot get laid
on a Saturday night,
You'll never get laid at all!"
 
Five and twenty virgins
came down from Iverness,
but when the ball had ended
there were five and twenty less.
 
There was do'in in the parlor,
and do'in on the stones,
you could'na hear the music
for all the moans and groans.
 
There was do'in in the kitchen
and do'in on the stairs,
you could'na see the carpet,
for all the curly hairs.
 
There was do'in the bedroom
and do'in on the sticks,
you could'na hear the music
for the swish'n of the pricks.
 
--- General Verses ---
 
The queen was in the parlor
eatin bread and honey.
The king was in the chambermaid,
and she was in the money.
 
The deacon's daughter, she was there,
She had them all in fits,
From jump'in off the mantlepiece,
And boundin' on her tits.
 
The village cripple, he was there,
I did'na like him much,
He lined the ladies 'gainst the wall,
and did'um with his crutch.
 
The village banker, he was there,
Count'in up his wealth,
His wife was in the bedroom
a'do'in it with herself.
 
Fat McTavish, she was there,
She looked just liike a sow.
They tied her by the red barn door,
and bulled her like a cow.
 
The bride was in the bedroom
explaining to the groom
that the vagina -not the rectum-
was the entrance to the womb.
 
First lady forward,
second lady back,
third lady's finger's
in forth lady's crack
 
The village sorcerer, he was there,
he made us all a'new
by doing marvolous slight of hand
and cumm'in in colored hues.
 
The Thompson boys, they both were there,
and they were quite a pair.
Each did his lassie seven times,
and never touched the hair.
 
The village postman, he was there,
the poor man had the pox;
he could'na do the ladies
so he did the letter box.
 
The village blacksmith, he was there,
he played a wily game-
for he did his lassie fourteen times
before he finally came.
 
The chandler's wife was stand'in
with her but against the wall-
"Put yer money on the table, boys,
I'm going to do ya'all!"
 
It started out so simple-like,
Each lass and laddie mated.
But pretty soon, the do'in got
Extremely complicated.
 
And when the ball was over
Everione confessed,
"The music was exquisit,
But the do'in was the best!"