Bridget and the Pill
© 1968 by Brian Pearson
in response to
The Papal Commission on Birth Control
Bridget O'Riley was fine looking girl
Well her skin was like ivory, her teeth shown like pearls
The fellas all chased her in vain till one day
she went and got married to Barney O'Shae
They'd been married a year when to their pride and joy
along come a baby, a fine strapping boy
When three years had passed they'd two boys and a girl
How to feed them and clothe them made Bridget's head whirl
Bridget went to the priest, she was near desparation
Because of this process of constant gestation
"Oh, father this business is making me ill.
Would it be a sin if I took to the pill?"
The priest heard her story and when he had heard it
to higher authority, preplexed he referred it.
The Bishops were baffled, the Cardinals too-
Not one could tell Bridget just what she should do.
Two years they debated with holy profundity
What should be done about Bridget's ficundity?
For now Bridget's children amounted to five
and she scarcely was able to keep them alive.
They gave due attention to points theological,
points philisophic and physiological
Till in desparation the Pope cried, "Oh, sod!
There's just one thing to do: I'd best go and ask God."
So the Pope sent a letter by five-penny post
on papal notepaper addressed "Holy Ghost"
"Come send me an answer in double quick time;
You can reach me at home, just ring VAT sixty-nine."
The Pope got his answer and then he pronounced it
Oral contraseption, he strongly denounced it
"All chemical means to prevent procreation
are banned on the pain of eternal damnation."
"If we were to allow it, unashamed fornication
would spread like a flash to all parts of the nation
There'd be plagues, fires and famines and moral polution
Atheistical notions and red revolutions
"And the lord knows what women would do with their lives
if they wern't kept so busy as mothers and wives
They might get ideas not befitting their station
and wind up with women's or gay liberation
"So Bridget, my dear, there's no need for frustration
because of the banning of this medication
The church, she is merciful, holy and gracious
Sure the old rythim method you'll find efficatious"
"Away, now" said Bridget, "I'll have none of your row
I tried it before and just look at me now
Whatever I did we continued to breed!"
And she's off to the chemist with maximum speed
Now the church is in ferment, in great trepidation
Lest such thought should spread through the whole congragation
And they've issued a record to prevent a schism
from the Pop and the Hierarchy called, "I've got rythim"