Another Urban Legend
by Bob Kanefsky
Parody of Ferryman by Leslie Fish
from her album, "Chickasaw Mountain"
A smell prevaded the large ferry boat
reaching even the crew on the bridge.
A smell rank and rotten as garbage or death
as foul as the depths of your fridge.
So strong was the oder, so putrid and vile
the passengers started to gag
and all of it came from a young teenage girl
whose hand held a brown paper bag.
Ferryman, ferryman give me a break
My parents stuck me with their cat when it died
Ferryman, would it be okay with you
if I tossed the thing over the side?
She stood by the rail with her hand on her hip
said, "This is like grody, fer sure"
"It's here in this bag and it's totally gross,
I'm just too barfed out to endure.
The condo we live in won't burry a cat
for any amount we can pay-
My mother and father are totally bummed
and want the thing dropped in the bay."
The ferryman frouned and he chewed on the hair
that grew from his stiff upper lip
"Now, see here young lady, I'll not have your litter
be dumped from the side of my ship-
We'd all like a chance to be rid of the stench
But litter is what it would be-
And what do you think gives a land-lubber's cat
the right to be burried at sea?"
The ferry sped on and pulled into the port
to the heart-felt releif of them all.
The young girl jumped up with her errand forgotten
and made her way straight to the mall.
The captain got off and went shopping himself
for paintings of ships on the sea,
for Old Spice cologn and some sourdough bread
and six pounds of limberger cheese.
"You're back," said the captain, "and welcome abord.
I see you've disposed of the mess.
"Oh, my god" said the girl "Like I totally spaced it-
It's still on the ferry, I guess"
"But find it at once! but I see it's too late
for I've got a schedule to meet.
It's all thanks to you if this ship becomes known
as the smelliest one in the fleet.
"I told you before and I'll tell you again
the answer is 'certainly not'.
This state has a law against offshore polution
or could it be you had forgot?
Now here is your confounded brown paper bag
and soft smelly contents, within-
Just take it ashore at the end of this trip
and I'll thank you to keep it down wind."
The girl made it home and she tiptoed upstairs
to break the bad news to her folks
"But darling, the thing in this bag isn't Fluffy-
This has to be one of your jokes."
"But mother, that's totally awsome, she said
for there in the paper bag sat
a six pound package of limberger cheese
and not the remains of the cat.